Most people who know me on more than a casual level know that I adore cosplay. It's one of those goofy, geeky hobbies which sort of came out of nowhere eight or nine years ago, and it's just an outright blast. I like tracking down different pieces of an outfit and watching it come together, either very quickly or over a longer period of time. There's a lot of fun to be had in putting forth time, effort and love into a final product and while this might not be the conventional form of that people see, it's something I really enjoy. One of the most recent chances I had to do this was Dragon Con 2010. Tracking down the Oasis waterfall jacket was a huge triumph, and I remember how happy I was when it came in the mail. Double that feeling when I put it on the first time and realized the outfit was blessedly close to being finished. I almost didn't take it to convention because of a couple of missing parts. Amaya was the one to quickly convince me otherwise, and I did get my photos and time to shine. Chris has more than proven he's a good friend, and he's most certainly my Doctor. I think this photograph is the one I like the most, out of those we've had the chance to take. A friend said it best, it's very peaceful. I have it framed on my desk, alongside one of me and Kate (my dearest bestie) so I can see it and smile.
I remember how happy I was during that weekend - and how disheartened and hurt I was when I found out the vicious words someone had been saying behind my back. Someone I'd done my best to be nice to, even after repeated snubbing on their part.
I've never been a size four, and I never will be. I've always been heavier than others, and there are reasons behind it. My pastime isn't to sit on the couch with a carton of Ben and Jerry's and go to town - I work a full time, well paying job and spend my weekends with family and friends. There are medical conditions in my past which have laid on the pounds around my midsection, and I've been combating it for years. It's not easy, it's definitely a struggle - but it's part of my life, and I don't allow it to dictate what I do and don't do. It surely doesn't dictate what my friends think of me, either - because I associate and surround myself with people who are good and see a person for what they are. Call it naive if you will, but I'd much prefer that kind of person than anyone who favored physical appearance. I'll lose the weight and drop sizes, and when I do I'll remember who still cared about me when I was heavier and had these problems to combat. Those are the people I'll give my time to.
But I found out, through a grapevine of people I trust, that this person who said vicious things about me said one thing in particular that hurt - that I "was too fat and too short to costume as Amy Pond." (If you're unfamiliar with Amy or her character, she's the one I'm dressed as in the photograph on this post.) In any context, those words would be hurtful. Let's take into account, though, that Amy Pond's actress is (quite literally) a British model with legs that reach to Nova Scotia and a figure most women will never be able to achieve. In short, she's at least six inches taller than I will ever be, and she's most certainly thin. Where in the context of the wide world of cosplay does it say you must be physically identical to the character you choose in order to go out and go for it?
That's right - it doesn't.
I had to think about this for awhile before it stopped hurting - when I told Chris, he said it kind of well - the long and short was, people are going to hate, and if they're hating on you then that means you're doing a good job at whatever it is they're hating you for.
And I realized how very, very true that is.
I remember that night, a Thursday when I was so tired I almost didn't go out (again, at Dragon Con 2010), and Chris ended up convincing me. It was the first night of our Eleven and Amy together, and the first night I stepped out in that particular costume. Something that I cared about and loved, that I spent time on and felt amazing in. And no one has the ability to take that away from me. No one - including the snippy, nasty person who said those things about me. Make no mistake - I know exactly who that person is. And maybe someday the time will come when I confront them on it, but it's more likely that as time passes, I'll laugh that I ever allowed someone that insignificant to reach me at all with their words. Because someone that foolish - that petty and horrid in what they say - really has no place in my life.
There's a huge photo shoot in the coming week, and I'm looking forward to it. We'll all be together again - so many of us - in one place with a fantastic photographer and a lot of promise for fun. That's what this is about - and what it should always be about. Not about size or shape or colour - those are the things that start wars and end friendships - but about fun. About looking good (because you feel good) and smiling (not just because it looks better for pictures, but because it's better for your heart.)
"All that I'm after is a life full of laughter, as long as I'm laughing with you."